Truth and Lies

It's about 3am. I cannot sleep and I cannot focus enough to learn my lines. I am caught in a quandary. To name names or disclose places would cause a world of hurt so I'll maintain generality. I have to make a decision. Well, that's not entirely true. I've made the decision but now I have to act upon it. And the action of the decision is what codifies it and completes it. So I have not fully made the decision. Certain arguments are so persuasive that I find it hard to focus on what must be done. Therefore I find myself in a state of inaction and not fully completing the decision making processes. To do so can cause problems. In actual fact the problems were already caused because one party involved who has begun a clandestine relationship with another party involved has spilled a portion of the proverbial beans. It was my bad to sit on specific news necessary to move myself from a state of maybe to a state of action. Why? Fear. I don't want to have to answer questions. In the end I have to think what's best for me. We all do in making any decision that has an impact on what we do with ourselves and our futures. But I like indecision and find indecision to be comforting. Not in a rational sense but in a "that's what I know" sense.

You see, I don't know truth from lies. Promises were made. Statements of intention were put on the table. Many of these intended proclamations were never acted upon or were slowly and cleverly modified until they no longer had a semblance of their original incarnation. With statements from all sides, those directly opposed and those only peripherally associated, I find myself at the whim of feeling when I truly believe I know what must be done. Why not act? Fear. Collateral damage can be significant or it can be minor. But, as stated just moments ago, I know that a shift has already occurred because of that initial party speaking when it wasn't his turn. No blame. I'm sure the impetus to give certain bits of information was for the best. Clear the "maybe" to "decision." For this I have only respect. I am annoyed more with myself for leaving it to the last minute and not acting sooner. But that initial party has had an odd behavior around me. As if he is hiding something. A something I suspected and has now been unintentionally handed to me. I hate that I have this information. I don't want it. If I could I'd give it back, but it doesn't work that way. Whether it was meant for me or not, whether it was leaked innocently or not, whether it was my intention to have someone confirm what I thought does not matter. It sits there and the cup of lies floweth over.

These, however, are not the only lies that flow. Our second party, the one casting the proclamations, has not, from what I can gather in this moment, uttered a single truth in our relationship. The utterances are many and, at times, exactly what I want to hear, but these spoken bits never seem to come to fruition. So I find myself confronting a direct lie only to be met with a story of clandestine operations. A bit preposterous but not so much that it couldn't be true. On further examination, later and in the privacy of another space, I find the story tipping the scales and spilling onto the floor.

So many lies. Most inferred and easily denied as never having been spoken. But I fear the consequences of the actions taken by both these parties. One will be hurt more than the other when the opportunity presents itself; when one's use is no longer needed. For I fear a leaching is occurring, and with a leach sometimes burning is necessary to remove it. I hope our initial party is strong enough to wake up soon and see what is lying beside him.

But the fear is also extended to my future. A selfish statement, sure, but true nonetheless. Our second party could, potentially, cause problems out of spite. And spite is a reality with this party. I must, then, tread lightly into the action that is to occur. I must tread lightly forward and hold fast to my knowingness staying away from the sweet aroma of hollow promises. Too much time has been spent around that perfume and now is the time to cap the bottle and find out what it is like to breathe fresh air.